so don’t think about her anymore, no matter what.

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A msg I sent to Seen Yesterday….

“對不起,可不可以對妳哀叫一會? 很無奈,很辛苦。我已經甚麼也沒想,故意離開1648,一切也不想。然後今晚特意早些回來睡覺,以便明天早些回校溫書。睡了一小時,竟突然心痛得醒了過來。但我明明沒有去想她。一呼一吸也感到心頭給重重壓住,腦中只有一個念頭–為什麼這麼辛苦?很想很想哭,呼吸也變得急促起來,但便是哭不了。最後,只可以不停低念不要心痛,不要心痛,折騰了好一會兒後,心中才平靜了下來……. 我只可以說,很討厭這樣的自己。唉…..好了, [PUT] 我要開心些,我要笑…=D”

很痛苦,為甚麼我要這麼在乎妳,一個錯誤的對象?…..
縱使只是一剎的餘光,妳那倩影卻纏繞心頭,半天不散….
不要再想,好不好?……

is part of our life, learn to accept it and don’t feel like wanting to cry.
=)
smile.

Sorry, I just want to yell out sth that I can’t share with anyone.
Backgroung is simply liking, or loving, a wrong person, my housemate….
This is more like a yelling from someone who strrugles for a decision he made, rather than a question… but whatever, I just wanna say it. Maybe I should visit a therapist for that later. haha

Here is the content, feel free to skip it if you are tired of all relationship struggle.
and thank for ur time.

Liking a wrong person is painful, and living with her is even worse.
You have to keep telling yourself not to like her, while you somehow think about anything about her.
And by living with her, it makes you to see, and think about, her so often. Of course this is always great to see the girl you like, but not while you have to keep telling yourself not to like her.
Some people said all I have to do is just not liking her anymore.
i know, of coz I know.
And then some people said knowing it is not enough, i have to do it.
I also understand it and have tried hard to do this.
but hell (or help), can someone please tell me how i can quickly lose that feeling? I mean, I really don’t have a on/off button just for that.
I am willing to pay all I have or even more to reset my feeling to her to be liking as a friend, rather than the liking as a one you want to be together with.
I swear, I sincerely want to, more than anyone, not like her anymore, because I know I am making her troubles, as being liked by a wrong person is sth hella painful and annoying.
and I also know that no ppl would feel happy to make the one he/she likes unhappy.
and of course I don’t feel happy for this! This is no good for both of us.
I have to admit, I feel hella heartberaking every time I think about moving. But this is all I can do — don’t I already feel heartbreaking for forcing myself not to like her, for avoiding her and for making her dislike me?
by moving out, I won’t see her anymore no matter how much I like her. So I will suffer only for missing her, not for avoiding her and being dislike, or ignored.
Very likily, she will not care me at all in the future. But at least, i won’t see how she not cares me, I don’t need to force myself to turn around from the girl I like so much or suffered from her ignorace, a very deserved ignorance due to what I have done.

liking a wrong person, is such a pain, espesically when u know clearly that u are hurting the one you care so much while u have no better way to deal with it.
you know, or believe, what you do is all for a good cause, but she wouldn’t, or more accurately shouldn’t, think so, as she is the victim.
So you can’t even seek for forgiveness, because u are the one keep doing harm intentionally even u don’t want to.
You can only endure, no complaint, no attempt to seek for pity or whatever.
You deserve nothing but this suffering that can’t be shared.

I subscribed one of my secondary school classmate’s xanga many years ago. As the word “classmate” implies, she is and nothing more than this for me.

So this is kind of weird while this xanga subscription creates a one-way relationship between us.

This is one-way because she may know but not notice/bother that one of her former classmates come across her entry sometime.

And I am really just coming across, as I would just immediately scroll to the end of her entry when her post comes up.

Why I would waste my time to read while we have no intersection at all.

And wouldn’t it be hella weird if a classmate who you have never contacted suddenly replying your fully emotionally entry? (yea, just a brief look of the first three lines, random sentences during scrolling, and last few lines when I stop the scrolling wheel are sufficient enough to give me a full pic. I don’t know if all of her entries are emotional, but at least those I somehow skimmed through were.)

I know this sound like stalking a old classmate, but I really have no particular interests in her — I am just too lazy to remove her from my intact subscription list.

But whatever, these unintentionally encounters, or skimming, disclose someone’s life to me occasionally.

A life of a girl who loves hard and get hurt hard.

What I skimmed through is like one after one cycle of loving game.

First there are someone’s name, a few sweet words and tons of love emoticons; then the same name, some crying emoticons and question marks; next the same name with a few pissed-off icons, a new name and some heart and smiling faces. And the cycle repeats.

I never bother to read any of her entries completely, as I know what will be inside.

This is the sweet and sour and the happiness and pain of love.

I don’t need to know about all these things — but knowing how lucky I am.

My love issue is fair less complicated.

love my ceci, i will work hard to maintain this our relationship, until you give me up.

love you.

why I am still thinking about her…

she is not the right person for me to like, I know that..

But no matter how hard I ignore her, I am still stuck…… miss her, like her….

no…. I should just focus on the right one and the right thing…

tired….

4 days….

If I feel like wanting to move out continuously for 2 weeks.

I should do it.

3 days now

伏爾泰在他的《論寬容》中曾說,人的智慧有限,不可能保證自己一套絕對正確。如果有人認定自己必對而別人必錯,然後再以暴力方法對待他人,後果堪虞。因此,凡事大家必須退一步思考,並給機會人家發表。這觀點其實與中國的『恕』大致相同,簡單說,就是推己及人的概念。」

I like you too much, so I must treat you indifferently in order to kill this feeling.

But by the time I no longer like you, I will still treat you as a stranger, because I no longer have any connection with you.

I did want to preserve our friendship, but here is no way for me to treat you just as a normal friend without the expectation to advance our relationship, as I like you too much.

So…

I am sorry, though I feel hella upset over this decision.

I just can’t, not don’t wanna, see/hear/think about you anymore.